Buzzer Beaters [7/26/10]

last-second thoughts on recent sports ongoings

(just throwing 'em up there)

• I just can't wait to be King. It sure didn't take long for LeBron's positive public persona to completely evaporate. Do I think the guy deserves the jersey burning? Well... There's two parts to the ordeal: the decision and The Decision. The Decision (the hour-long special on which he announced his choice) was extremely narcissistic. BUT. It's kind of our fault. Yes us. Sports fans. Why? We watched it. Not only that, but we anointed this guy the next MJ from his senior year in high school. Even before getting drafted he was about as spoiled as Augustus Gloop. So why shouldn't he think he's the best thing since toasted bread? Why should he think anyone would oppose to an hour of LeBron Time? I just have one question: does the guy not have any PR people? I mean, he's gotta have someone working for him who knew this was a bad idea. Although maybe they're the ones who came up with it in the first place. Now for the second part of the equation: the actual decision. I have no problem with it. Is it a dagger in the long-suffering heart of Cleveland? Yes. But does he have to stay with the team that drafted him his entire career? Bill Russell did. Michael Jordan did (until his post-prime years). Kobe's doing it. Yeah, but Russell, Jordan and Kobe didn't play in The Mistake by the Lake. They did it in Boston, Chicago and LA. Sure, Cleveland fans will probably never forget LeBron for leaving and ruining their one chance at above-mediocrity. But LeBron has the right to go where he wants. But the Next Greatest Ever wouldn't team up with superstars. He'd beat them. Maybe so. But what if LeBron doesn't want to be the next Michael Jordan? What if he just wants to win and have fun? Is that such a crime? Hell, he took less money to do it for goodness sake. So let's get past the PR blunders and the breakup heartbreak and just enjoy the show.
• TO sign or not TO sign? That is the question to which Terrell Owens is anxiously awaiting the answer. Rumor has it my Rams are going to make him an offer. Do I want him on my team? It depends. How much are we talkin? If the Rams can sign TO for cheap, I say go for it. He'd be the best WR on the roster. He'd put butts in seats. And he'd behave. How do I know? Look at last year. Did you hear anything from TO off the field? Nope. And that's because you barely heard much from him on the field. TO doesn't have the leverage he had in San Fran, Philly or Dallas. On those teams, he could question quarterbacks' sexuality and do situps in the driveway because he could fall back on the fact that he was one of the best receivers in the league. Last year in Buffalo, his skills diminished and so did his talking. He seemed to understand that no one's gonna take his crap anymore because he's not worth it. And this whole free agency game of TO hot potato is just reinforcing that. So basically his choices are either to play and shut up or be a disturbance in the unemployment line. At least, that's my thinking. There's still the chance he acts up, but you'd have to think Coach Spagnuolo isn't gonna give him any leash. If he's cheap, that is. If the price is steep, the team that signs him will probably have to endure whatever acting up could potentially come because of the amount they're paying for him. Plus, at least for the Rams (or any other rebuilding team), I don't think it makes sense to pay too much money to a player who's only going to help you out in the short term and will really be no help in building your team for the future. So get your popcorn ready. It's time to watch The Price Is Right.
• Coming to America I know this was a little while ago, but I'd like to say a few things about The World Cup. First of all, I found it damn entertaining. There's just so much tension in a game where a single play can determine the whole outcome. Don't give me any of that "1-0 is boring" crap. When you win by one goal, it's flat-out euphoria. When you lose, devastation. I think this is the kind of drama America can latch onto. But. We lost to Ghana. America is not going to put much stock into a sport where a team of our best players cannot defeat a third-world country. It's really that simple. Sure, the good ol' US of A showed a lot of patriotism when the Cup came around, but America is not going to seriously consider soccer a full-time spectator sport until our national team wins the World Cup or comes damn close. Obviously and unfortunately, that's a vicious cycle that may be hard to break. Oh, and one other thing: get the heck off the ground. I don't wanna see a guy writhe on the ground for five minutes, wasting time, only to get taken off on a stretcher and then instantly walk off once on the sideline. Americans don't wanna see that bullshit. So yeah, fix that too.
• While we're on the subject: VUVUZELAS! It's not like they haven't been around, but these buzzing horns seemed to get a ton of publicity during this World Cup, becoming a household name in the process. They are generally hated. But I just can't seem to make up my mind. The concept is wonderful: 1000s of fans blowing their lungs out for 90 minutes to create an all-encompassing atmosphere of fandom. But that sound. It's just so damn annoying. Maybe they could buzz something more elegant. Like a kazoo. Yeah, let's go with kazoos in 2014. Or harmonicas. Or fucking trombones. Just anything but those goddamn vuvuzelas.

The Ke$ha Theory

Good god, it's been a long time. Apologies.

I remember the first time I heard "TiK ToK." I had seen the song on the iTunes charts for a while but the irregular spelling of the song title and its singer prevented me from taking her seriously. But it just wouldn't leave that chart alone, so I decided to take a listen. It was catchy as fuck. So it quickly became one of my favorite Top 40 songs, and then it proceeded to get overplayed into oblivion. And while I was becoming essentially numb to it, another Ke$ha single got popular: "Blah Blah Blah." It was upon hearing these 172 seconds of pure blondeness when my theory was spawned: She can't really be this fucking stupid, can she? I mean her music was ridiculously catchy (although I'm not too big of a "Blah" fan), but she just sounded so idiotic. It had to be forced, I thought. So I decided to visit her MySpace page to see how she conducted herself in interviews or other videos of her. Answer: as—if not more—stupid as ever. But something caught my eye: Clue No. 1: Her "influences."

"MIA, Beck, Rolling Stones, Devo," the list began. Bob Dylan, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Neutral Milk Hotel—wait, what? Neutral Milk Hotel? Maybe a fluke... Arcade Fire, Radiohead, LCD Soundsystem, Sonic Youth, Belle and Sebastian, Bright Eyes... Need I go on? How many dumb skanks do you know who like Conor Oberst? But who knows, you say. Maybe some publicist just raided Pitchfork and flooded her MySpace page with great bands to make her look good. Well she did list "Surfjan Stevens" as an influence... To Wikipedia!

Aha! Clue No. 2: "...she would drive to Belmont University to listen in on Cold War history classes after school and achieved near perfect SAT scores." But my teachers say that Wikipedia isn't a credible source, you say. Well first off, shut the hell up. Wikipedia is pretty damn reliable, thanks in part to its gang of editors. So yeah, when you edited Don Cheadle's page to say that at a young age he frequently hopscotched with Zach Braff while waiting for the school bus—yeah, that got taken down. Anyway, more proof ahead.

Clue No. 3: At the age of 13, Kesha Rose Sebert performed Radiohead's "Karma Police" at her middle school talent show. I kid you not: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIHDGDzVwK4. Not only does she truly have good taste in music, but she had good taste in music in SEVENTH GRADE. I don't know about you, but in seventh grade I was still being weaned off "NOW" CDs and developing an interest in the All-American Rejects. And my only talent show performance was a lackluster rendition of Smash Mouth's "All Star." But—before I lose too much of your respect—I digress.

Kesha Sebert is not stupid. And she is certainly not "Blah Blah Blah" stupid. So why does the dollar sign (which she says she added ironically, as she was living off a lean salary at the time) make her so stupid? Because she is so smart. At least, I think she is. If my theory is correct, she simply plays the part of the dumb blonde to manipulate the mainstream music culture. She predicted (quite correctly) that the public would cling to her extreme party girl image that so obnoxiously personifies the lifestyle that many people who religiously subscribe to Top 40 garbage want to live. And she still gets to use her smarts by coming up with ridiculously catchy tunes. "TiK ToK" isn't the only one. Even in spite of the ridiculously sophomoric lyrics (did she mention she likes "bottles of Jack"?), a good majority of her songs are as catchy as herpes.

And Ke$ha isn't the only one. Lady Gaga did almost the exact same thing, although she churned out the mainstream hits to focus on the aspect of fame (hence, "The Fame," "The Fame Monster" and Kermit the Frog dresses). They're both actually pretty damn smart, smart enough to manipulate American (and international) mainstream culture. Then again, how hard can it be to trick a population that worships the Black Eyed Peas?