Apple the Apostate (It's a synonym for "traitor." It also rhymes with "prostate.")

So there was this girl at my school. Her name was Lucy Lala. She was like the greatest thing ever, and I was like, why is nobody else trying to get with this girl? So I asked her out. She said yes. I felt like I had the best-kept secret in the world. And things were going great. In fact, I saw no reason for this relationship to ever end. She was flawless.

There was also this guy at my school. His name was Anthony Apple. Anthony was a polarizing guy: some kids loved him, others hated his guts. I fell in the former category. I knew he was a stellar feller. In fact, I'd even defended the guy on multiple occasions.

But then, in an act of extreme selfishness, he stole my girl. He just took her right out of my hands. And then, to add insult to injury, he said I could keep her for a month. And as much I should have been offended, you better believe I'm hitting up Miss Lala all night, every night. I'mma get as much as I can for as long as I can until that fateful day when she'll be gone forever.

Yet, I still can't hate the guy. I mean, at least he's got good taste. And he just has so many redeeming qualities. But I'll never forget how he took my girl. My perfect girl...

I guess I should've realized it was too good to be true.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You...

Dear Reader(s),

So school is nearly finished, which means I might actually have some free time! Hooray! And which also means I just might blog a lil' bit! Double hooray! So here's what you have to look forward to (drum roll, please)...

- The next segment of Alphabetical Awesomeness (FINALLY)

- My Ke$ha theory

- Some album reviews (some new, some first posted elsewhere)

- Some more griping about Lala shutting down

- A recount of my awesome recent sports experience(s)

- Some more Buzzer Beaters

- Something else about sports

- Some unfulfilled promises

Hooray!

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy

"Call me back. I'm gonna make you cry." This was the voicemail I received yesterday from my friend, Eric. He said he would not tell me the news until we were face to face, but I managed to squeeze a hint from him (besides that it was bad): it was about music. So naturally, before I let him tell me, I wanted to try and guess. At first my conjectures were realistic: (1) The Killers broke up (if you haven't heard, Brandon Flowers is releasing a solo album), (2) Bruce Springsteen died, (3) Bret Michaels is still alive, etc. Then I realized that this was coming from my friend Eric so maybe every artist on his iPod died in a mammoth car accident, which is not too unrealistic given there are only seven of them. But that wasn't it. So, I just kept guessing...

- "The upcoming Arcade Fire album was produced by will.i.am."

- "Glenn Beck is releasing a rap album."

- "John Lennon was actually alive all these years, at least until today when he was shot by Jay Leno."

- "The national anthem has been changed to that Kid Rock song they play on National Guard commercials before movies."

- "Ke$ha actually is just a dumb bitch." [Note: I have a theory about Ke$ha, which may be explained in a future blog post]

- "Axl Rose is releasing a new CD called Taiwanese Democracy."

- "The Beatles never actually existed, that was just a really good dream I had."

- "Today is Nickelback Day."

- "Buddy Holly died in a plane crash."

But no, not even any of these were correct (the Glenn Beck album is still in its early stages). The real really bad news: Lala is shutting down. Gasp! you say. Not Lala! I know, I know. You probably have no idea what the hell Lala is or why anyone would give a crap if it went away. Well I care, and here's why: Lala is like heaven.com for broke teenagers who need their music fix. In short, it is a website where you can stream (almost) any song one time for free. No credit cards needed. Super-high quality. And I'd been relying on it since I discovered it six or so months ago. And now it's leaving. So, yes, I am on the verge of tears (at least until I find another streaming music site), and you probably are not affected in any way shape or form. "So why the heck did I read this?" you ask. I have no idea. But at least you got some good news out of it: You don't have to rush out to the Douche Store to get your friend a gift for Nickelback Day.