IBS's Best of 2010: Top 50 Songs

Okay, I'm almost done. This is the last list, I promise. I'm not even gonna write descriptions for each one (I think the 3000+ words on the last post should probably tide you over for a while). I would like to say a few things, however. First off, it was extremely hard for me to not put "Runaway" at the top. I feel like it is the best and (by far) the most important song of the year, for reasons given in the last post. But I tried to make these lists personal; I tried to pick my favorites. So when it came down to "Runaway" and "Dance Yrself Clean," I had to make a choice. I went with the song that has served as my motto at times this year. Not that I'm a particularly frequent (or good) dancer, but this song was always there to remind me that sometimes you just gotta drop your baggage and boogie. Plus, it was amazing live. I would also like to acknowledge Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti. Some people (okay one person) believe they got the shaft on my albums list. While I will concede Before Today is a good album, I just never really liked it that much as a whole. That said, it has two absolutely fantastic tracks, and I believe this list reflects that.

Thanks for reading, please comment, and have a great holiday season.

50) "Power" - Kanye West

49) "Too Much" - Sufjan Stevens

48) "Shutterbugg" - Big Boi feat. Cutty

47) "Learning" - Perfume Genius

46) "Breakfast" - Curren$y

45) "On Melancholy Hill" - Gorillaz

44) "Kids On the Run" - The Tallest Man On Earth

43) "Show Me A Good Time" - Drake

42) "Hang With Me" - Robyn

41) "All Of The Lights" - Kanye West

40) "Zebra" - Beach House

39) "Follow Us" - Big Boi feat. Vonnegutt

38) "Post Acid" - Wavves

37) "Superfast Jellyfish" - Gorillaz feat. Gruff Rhys and De La Soul

36) "Thieves" - She & Him

35) "Cousins" - Vampire Weekend

34) "Locked Inside" - Janelle Monáe

33) "Infinity Guitars" - Sleigh Bells

32) "Madder Red" - Yeasayer

31) "Where'd All The Time Go?" - Dr. Dog

30) "Diplomat's Son" - Vampire Weekend

29) "Be Still" - Big Boi feat. Janelle Monáe

28) "Norway" - Beach House

27) "Marathon" - Tennis

26) "Modern Man" - Arcade Fire

25) "You're Going Back" - The Tallest Man On Earth

24) "A More Perfect Union" - Titus Andronicus

23) "6 Foot 7 Foot" - Lil Wayne feat. Cory Gunz

22) "The Wrestle" - Frightened Rabbit

21) "Helicopter" - Deerhunter

20) "Shine Blockas" - Big Boi feat. Gucci Mane

19) "Vocal Chords" - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.

18) "Monster" - Kanye West feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, and Bon Iver

17) "Boyfriend" - Best Coast

16) "Bloodbuzz Ohio" - The National

15) "Lost In The World" - Kanye West feat. Bon Iver

14) "Let's Go Surfing" - The Drums

13) "O.N.E." - Yeasayer

12) "Dancehall Queen" - Robyn

11) "Sun Hands" - Local Natives

10) "I'm New Here" - Gil Scott-Heron

9) "Empire Ants" - Gorillaz feat. Little Dragon

8) "The High Road" - Broken Bells

7) "Beverly Kills" - Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti

6) "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)" - Arcade Fire

5) "Ambling Alp" - Yeasayer

4) "Rill Rill" - Sleigh Bells

3) "Round and Round" - Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti

2) "Runaway" - Kanye West feat. Pusha T

1) "Dance Yrself Clean" - LCD Soundsystem

IBS's Best of 2010: Top 25 Albums

There was a lot of anticipation for me coming into 2010. A lot of expectations. I remember looking at the list of albums to be released in 2010 with my friend Joel as we salivated at the bounty coming our way this first year of the decade. This was going to be THE year for music. We were going to tell our hipster grandchildren about this year. Arcade Fire, Los Campesinos!, Big Boi, Hot Chip, Vampire Weekend... So many albums scheduled for 2010. As you will see, some lived up to the hype and some didn't (I'm looking at you, David Byrne and Fatboy Slim). As any amateur blogger will tell you (and many have reminded me), end-of-year-lists are more about "favorites" than "bests." The same is true here. I cannot honestly declare the best albums of 2010 because I have not heard anywhere near all the albums released this year. I did, however, do the best I could to expand my range of favorites. I listened to albums I heard were worth hearing, and if I liked them, I listened to them again and again and some became my favorites. I also did my best to refrain from influence from other end-of-year lists by refusing to look at them before posting this, as painful as that was. So if you think I copied you, or Pitchfork, or whoever, I didn't. I'll shut up in a minute, but I leave you with this: I don't know if this year lived up to my expectations, but I do know that I have consumed some amazing, beautiful, and at times life-changing music this year, and I am glad I have made music such a big part of my life.

IBS's Best of 2010: Top 10 "Mainstream" Songs

I would like to preface this list by making me sound like less of a tool. My definition of "mainstream" is music that gets substantial airtime on top-40 radio. I am not trying to sound like a douchebag hipster.

10) Nelly - "Just a Dream" - I actually don't like this song that much. It kinda sounds like Nelly plagiarized "Sweetest Girl" by Wyclef Jean on the melody. It was just so awesome to see Nelly on top of the charts again that I had to put it on here. STL represent.

9) Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj - "Bottoms Up" - This song sounds like something circa 2004 with its great dirty club feel. Plus, Nicki totally deserves a mention on this list as she tore it up in 2010.

8) Willow - "Whip My Hair" - My neck hurts just listening to this song. There is way too much talent in this family. (And she really does have talent. Take a look at "Baby Rihanna" here.)

7) Jesse McCartney - "Shake" - I don't know how the hell Jesse managed to escape Aaron Carter purgatory, but somehow he did and he brought this catchy single with him. I thought this was the perfect example of how the actual singer was completely indispensable on top-40 songs, but McCartney actually wrote this. Props.

6) B.o.B. feat. Bruno Mars - "Nothin' On You" - I was so glad when this song hit the airwaves because it felt like it'd been forever since there was a good male-vocal radio hit. After all the Gagas, Beyoncés, and Ke$has, this was a real refresher.

5) Katy Perry - "Teenage Dream" - I know "California Gurls" was the hit of the summer, but this was my personal 2010 fave from Mrs. Russell Brand. Plus, the Glee cover was one of the few Glee songs I've liked (read: "been able to listen to without purging") all year.

4) Flo Rida feat. David Guetta - "Club Can't Handle Me" - Can't say I've seen Step Up 3D, but this song is in it. It's also damn catchy and has the word "club" in it, which generally guarantees success.

3) DJ Khaled feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, Rick Ross - "All I Do Is Win" - I'm a little partial to this song because they played it all the time at Mizzou's football games (At least while all we were doing was winning. Fucking Nebraska.) Plus, this song has the single most effective use of a whole rest in the history of top-40 radio.

2) Rihanna - "Only Girl (In the World)" - I'm so glad Rihanna is back. Not to be a Rude Boy, but I wasn't a big fan of her last album (maybe I shouldn't be so Hard on her). She's back with a vengeance, red hair, and this track, which has some of the best production I've heard on a dance single in a while and is super infectious in an anthemic kind of way.

1) Justin Bieber - "Baby" - Did I really just put J. Biebz at the top of a list of things that are good? Yes. Let me just clarify: I don't have Bieber fever. I don't even have the sniffles. I hate that 12 year-old lesbian. But this song is actually moderately passable, and by moderately passable I mean really fun and danceable. But in a I-really-hate-this-tool-and-can't-wait-til-his-voice-drops kind of way.

IBS's Best of 2010: Top 10 Album Covers

10) Brandon Flowers - Flamingo - Awwww. Look at Brandon playing with his cuff links. He's so cute.

9) The National - High Violet - It's like an ejaculation of colorful, moody Boss-worhip.

8) Wavves - King of the Beach - It really was a great year for cats (see #6, #1). Shout out to Best Coast.

7) Gil Scott-Heron - I'm New Here - This makes me want to get lung cancer.

6) Klaxons - Surfing the Void Keyboard Cat, you have been one-upped.

5) Avey Tare - Down There - I don't know why I like this one so much, but I once spent an entire humanities class just staring at it.

4) David Byrne & Fatboy Slim - Here Lies Love - It's former first lady of the Phillipines Imelda Marcos. Duh.

3) Arcade Fire - The Suburbs - This reminds me of summer and the suburbs. I like it.

2) Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - Horse Power EP - I really have a thing for outrageous and colorful album covers. I don't even like horses.

1) MGMT - Congratulations - I really wanted to love this album so I could buy it on vinyl. I still might. It's so beautiful, I literally figuratively jacked off to this cover every day for a month.

(Click to enlarge album art above.)

IBS's Best of 2010: Top 10 Concerts

The ten best concerts I attended in the past year:

10) Chiddy Bang @ The Blue Note - Funny story, I really didn't see much of this concert (for various reasons). We left early, but as for the part I did see/do remember: it was really fun. I hope to attend more rap concerts in the future.

9) Arctic Monkeys and Sleepy Sun @ The Pageant - This concert would've been disgustingly mediocre if it weren't for the opener. Sleepy Sun had the 60s running through their veins (literally, judging by the singer's dancing) and gave everyone an awesome "trip" to the past (get it?).

8) Vampire Weekend, Beach House, and The Very Best @ Chaifetz Arena - As mentioned in my last post, Vampire Weekend is very personal to me. The concert was decent—"Cousins" was outstanding and they covered a Springsteen song!—but the best part for me was just seeing my Afro-pop trailblazers in person. Beach House was chilltastic, much to the surprise of the audience (people gave me weird looks for knowing the words to "Zebra."). The Very Best sampled Yeasayer and M.I.A., which was sweet. And they had an African dude.

7) Blitzen Trapper @ Off Broadway - These guys were one of my early favorite "indie" bands, and their folk-rock translated perfectly to this intimate setting. Being in the front row helped.

6) The Hold Steady and Company of Thieves @ The Blue Note - The Hold Steady is kind of like the best bar band ever so seeing them live is quite the experience. Craig Finn might have been the most emotional performer I've ever seen—and quite hilariously so. Check out my full review here. Oh and Company of Thieves was great too. The lead singer chick kept making eye contact with me, which was weird at first, but ended up being probably the coolest way I've ever received music.

5) Phoenix and Toro y Moi @ The Pageant - Phoenix played all of 2009's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, a smart move on their part. The crowd loved it so much, lead singer Thomas Mars was literally speechless after each round of applause (and no, it had nothing to do with the fact that he speaks broken English). Then for the encore of "1901," he brought out his extra-long, neon-orange, glow-in-the-dark microphone and walked out into the crowd. It was cool.

4) Passion Pit and Tokyo Police Club @ The Pageant - During Tokyo Police Club's opening set, the crowd started doing this cool lean-moshing thing that just kept building anticipation for what the headliner would be like. If you've ever heard Passion Pit, you can imagine how awesome their music must sound live. Well it sounded that awesome, except a little bit better. It was like a rad dance party where they actually play good music.

3) The Flaming Lips and Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti @ The Blue Note (outdoors) - The music was very good at this concert. The experience was fantastic. The Flaming Lips know how to put on an incredible show. I really don't think I can describe it here in a reasonable amount of words (maybe I can: "human hamster wheel") so check out my review here. Even Ariel Pink and the Haunted Graffiti put on a spectacle, what with Mr. Pink's cross-dressing and making out with front-rowers; not to mention the band's awesomely 80s, low-fi vibe that really set the perfect tone for a wild night.

2) of Montreal and Janelle Monae @ The Pageant - Okay I actually can't say anything about these last two right now. Just stay tuned for an in-depth look at why they topped the list. It will come, I promise. [EDIT: It did come]

1) LCD Soundsystem and Hot Chip @ Eagle's Ballroom - See above.

Five Concerts I Really Regret Not Attending

5) New Pornographers

4) Los Campesinos!

3) Girls

2) Yeasayer

1) Sleigh Bells

Honorable Mention: Kings of Leon. They got shat on by birds.

Thank You, Vampire Weekend

It was 2008, I was a sophomore in high school, and I was sitting in my friend Joel's basement. Joel and I had taken a break from getting crunk and banging bitches and were looking at music on iTunes. We had recently become friends because we played tennis together, had English class together, and enjoyed similar tastes in entertainment. Okay, let me rephrase that last part. We both liked Muse.

Now, I'm not the biggest Muse fan ever anymore, but at the time, they were probably one of the most credible bands I listened to. For example, I vaguely remember purchasing a Plain White Ts album freshman year. [Exeunt credibility, reader(s)]

Anyway, we were just exploring the "Alternative" music section and repeated clicking on the "Related Artists" (these were the golden days before Genius, my friends). Eventually, we came across a band we had both heard of but never really listened to: Vampire Weekend. Through some (assuredly legal) means, Joel got a hold of their eponymous debut and burnt me a copy. And then the levees broke.

This marked my official entrance into the magical world of, for lack of a better word, indie music. Since that historic occasion, I—more often than not with the assistance of Joel—have journeyed down such beautiful streets as Arcade Fire Alley, Bright Eyes Boulevard, and Passion Pit Place. I have traveled to Illinoise, Phoenix, and even Iceland. I have explored old wonderlands like E Street, Highway 61, and the seedy velvet undergrounds of New York. I have endured mysterious places like the mythical Animal Collective forest, discovering that sometimes the best things in life don't come easy. I have seen that White is right, but Black Kids are nice, too. I have stumbled into the ghetto, where I feared I'd be an OutKast and a Public Enemy but instead received the Blueprint to thug life and was directed West. I scraped my Shins, fell on the Pavement, got cut deeply by The Knife. I stayed at the Neutral Milk Hotel. I messed around with Girls. I took a road trip to St. Louis.

Where I saw Vampire Weekend in concert. It was a good show, but the fact that I was actually seeing VW was so much more significant to me than the actual music. Plus, I went with my friend Eric, who I exposed to Vampire Weekend, among other indie-rockers. It was as if the arc of awesome music had come full circle.

So thank you Vampire Weekend. Thank you for making great Afro-pop and ridiculously comfortable tour T-shirts. Thank you for having a band member whose last name begins with "Batman" and for being obnoxiously and unapologetically preppy. And thank you for sparking my interest in a whole new world of entertainment and discovery.

I used oxford commas just for you.

P.S. Joel: Happy birthday. Everyone else: Go read Joel's blog.

LIKE IT: "Too Much" - Sufjan Stevens

LOVE IT: "I've Got Friends" - Manchester Orchestra

GOTTA HAVE IT: "Where'd All The Time Go?" - Dr. Dog

REVIEW: "The Age of Adz" - Sufjan Stevens

Dear reader(s),

I apologize for only re-posting reviews lately and not actually blogging anything original. Well here's an original review. That I wrote for another publication, only to discover I was not actually supposed to write it. Nonetheless, (despite a tempting guest-blog offer from Classic Brian) it has not been published anywhere else. So here's my ISAAC BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN EXCLUSIVE review of Sufjan Stevens's "The Age of Adz." And if you ever want to check out any of my reviews for The Maneater (or anything else I write for said newspaper), you can check them all out here, as I will no longer be posting them here. I suggest reading my Guster review. It's better than this one.

In 2005, Sufjan Stevens released Illinois, the second installment of his fifty-part, album-a-state series. He then stated he never actually intended to complete the project and spent the next five years releasing a “bonus disc” for Illinois, a multimedia project based on the Brooklyn-Queens expressway, a Christmas compilation and an EP. Out Sept. 12, The Age of Adz marks the long-awaited LP follow-up to Illinois.

Stevens is notoriously gifted at sounding both grandiose and immediate. Yet, at first listen, The Age of Adz seems almost aimless and discordant; it’s not exactly an easy listen. Synthesized elements are much more prominent—Stevens’s voice is even auto-tuned at one point—and, while melodies seem to be floating around, they appear incoherent for the most part.

After multiple listens, however, the clutter starts to clear. The Age of Adz is like a puzzle: once the eccentric production and compositions smooth out, the pieces begin to fit together (albeit with a few spots where the listener has to smash the pieces to make it fit). The big picture begins to form.

The image is not as straightforward and blatantly beautiful as Illinois. Whereas Illinois might be a Van Gogh or a Monet—constructed with sweeping brushstrokes and obviously gratifying, The Age of Adz is more of a Picasso—rough and convoluted yet beautiful nonetheless. It is tough to say if this beauty matches that of Illinois (admittedly a ridiculously high bar to reach), but there is a definite dark magnetism present. While not quite infectious, the album never fails to remain enrapturing, even during the interminable closer, “Impossible Soul.”

The Age of Adz is clearly an acquired taste, but Stevens’s past efforts give him the undeniable right to demand the audience’s repeated and dedicated attention. If they can grant him that much, an intricate, immersive listen will be their reward.

CONCERT REVIEW: The Flaming Lips - 9/18/10

“I’m sorry for not being here for 10 years,” Flaming Lips front man Wayne Coyne confessed moments prior to the band’s Sept. 18 performance outside The Blue Note. “This will not make up for it. But we will fucking try!”

It looked doubtful the Lips would get their shot at CoMo redemption, though, as a storm seemed to be fast approaching. But Coyne noted that, while the band would have to stop if it started pouring, the members would not let the weather dampen their spirit.

“You make your own fucking happiness," Coyne yelled. "Let’s make it!”

The Lips’ idea of making happiness consisted of the group being birthed onstage via psychedelic vagina and Coyne rolling down Ninth Street in his human hamster wheel. Apparently, this was enough to frighten the storm, as it waited until minutes after the show to unleash its wrath.

In its place emerged the Lips’ own man-made storm. An endless downpour of balloons, confetti and lights soaked the crowd as a few fuzz-drenched tracks from 2009’s Embryonic kicked off the show, followed by an old favorite, “She Don’t Use Jelly.”

At this point, the concert seemed to split into three acts. First was a short acoustic-driven set, peaking with a stripped rendition of “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots Part 1” that had the crowd mesmerized. Next was a lengthier stretch of heavy headbangers that made it pretty clear why the air started smelling so sweet. Then came “The W.A.N.D.,” which Coyne belted through a megaphone while donning the strobe-light equivalent of Flavor Flav’s clock.

The crowd erupted at this At War With the Mystics favorite and begged for two encores — “The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song,” an anti-Bush pop gem that partied as hard as the topless Viking lady hanging out of a neighboring window, and “Do You Realize??,” a hysteric outpouring of Flaming Lips reverence.

This concert was a clear example of why the band has accumulated such a massive following over the past 27 years — The Flaming Lips put on one heck of a show. Props and stage dancers manufactured a raucously festive atmosphere, while the tunes sent good vibrations through the sell-out crowd, quite often literally. One thing’s for sure: She might not use jelly, but the Lips sure know how to jam.

As published in The Maneater, September 27, 2010.

REVIEW: "False Priest" - of Montreal

If one were to describe of Montreal’s new record, he or she might consider phrases like “crazy,” “awesome,” and “crazy awesome.” Any further elaboration would be impossible, however, as one would inevitably find oneself dancing.

The disco iconoclasts are back with their tenth studio album, False Priest. As with previous efforts like the breakoutHissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? and 2008’s Skeletal Lamping, of Montreal’s sound is a strange brew of musical styles. Funk, indie pop, R&B, gutsy falsetto, and strange-yet-straightforward lyrics — “Close your eyes and count to three/ I'll kiss you where I shouldn't be/ ‘Cause you look like a playground to me, playa,” — violently collide at a toe-tapping tempo.

The end result is Bee Gees on acid, Earth, Wind & Fire on speed, KC & The Sunshine Band on — well, you get the point. False Priest maintains accessibility while remaining substantial. The first listen is as infectious as the eighth is intriguing. What’s more, sorceress of soul Janelle Monáe adds a touch of spunk while Solange Knowles wields enough seduction to rival her sister — you know, her name’s Beyoncé. You might have heard of her.

Perhaps the most refreshing aspect of of Montreal — besides, of course, its unique capitalization — is its refusal to take itself seriously. Both lyrically and musically, spontaneity is rarely lacking in any of the album’s 13 tracks. Whether it’s a completely out-of-the-blue hook or a spoken-word rant on how his girlfriend threw out his beta fish, front man Kevin Barnes always keeps the audience on its toes — if they’re not already tapping, that is.

And once the eardrums fall into this ecstatic state of restlessness, of Montreal hits ‘em hard with a full-blown punch of pop and sensuality on a mission to prove disco — not to mention indie pop — is anything but dead.

As published in The Maneater (Arts & Entertainment blog), September 14, 2010.

REVIEW: "Body Talk, Pt. 2" - Robyn

It’s a well-known fact that Swedish exports are generally awesome: Swedish Fish. Volvos. Vikings.

And Robyn.

The people of Bjorn Borg-istan did more than just produce this pop princess. They fully embraced her — each of her past four releases have reached at least second in the Swedish Albums Chart. And with Body Talk Pt 2, Robyn looks to extend that dominance and continue her inevitable progression toward global pop notoriety.

When Robyn released the first installment of her three-part Body Talk series in June, she delivered a set of top-notch pop standards on par with her heralded eponymous album. And with another soul-bearing anthem, “Hang With Me,” as the lone single for Pt 2, it seemed as if another order of pop was on its way.

Surprisingly, “Hang With Me” is the odd jam out on Pt 2. The record drifts toward a more club-friendly sound full of distorted vocals and techno-esque buildups. This allows Robyn to show off some of her musical smarts, but leaves a little to be desired for those expecting another batch of songs like “With Every Heartbeat" and “Dancing On My Own."

That said, it is important to keep in mind that this is the middle segment of a three-album compilation — it makes sense she might stray away from typical hooks and delve into substantial dance elements that she couldn’t normally explore on a standard-length release. And her slight variation does produce a couple of potential club smashes, most notably “U Should Know Better" (featuring Snoop Dogg) and “Criminal Intent.”

It’s kind of strange seeing this electronica side of Robyn. It’s not necessarily bad — it’s just not expected. It’s like asking for a bicycle for Christmas and getting roller blades. They’ll both get you from here to there, but you really wanted that bike.

Likewise, each track failing to match “Hang With Me” feels like somewhat of a disappointment. Regardless, spot-on production and anticipation for Pt 3 make it hard to stay mad at Robyn for long.

As published in The Maneater (Arts & Entertainment blog), September 8, 2010.

Buzzer Beaters [7/26/10]

last-second thoughts on recent sports ongoings

(just throwing 'em up there)

• I just can't wait to be King. It sure didn't take long for LeBron's positive public persona to completely evaporate. Do I think the guy deserves the jersey burning? Well... There's two parts to the ordeal: the decision and The Decision. The Decision (the hour-long special on which he announced his choice) was extremely narcissistic. BUT. It's kind of our fault. Yes us. Sports fans. Why? We watched it. Not only that, but we anointed this guy the next MJ from his senior year in high school. Even before getting drafted he was about as spoiled as Augustus Gloop. So why shouldn't he think he's the best thing since toasted bread? Why should he think anyone would oppose to an hour of LeBron Time? I just have one question: does the guy not have any PR people? I mean, he's gotta have someone working for him who knew this was a bad idea. Although maybe they're the ones who came up with it in the first place. Now for the second part of the equation: the actual decision. I have no problem with it. Is it a dagger in the long-suffering heart of Cleveland? Yes. But does he have to stay with the team that drafted him his entire career? Bill Russell did. Michael Jordan did (until his post-prime years). Kobe's doing it. Yeah, but Russell, Jordan and Kobe didn't play in The Mistake by the Lake. They did it in Boston, Chicago and LA. Sure, Cleveland fans will probably never forget LeBron for leaving and ruining their one chance at above-mediocrity. But LeBron has the right to go where he wants. But the Next Greatest Ever wouldn't team up with superstars. He'd beat them. Maybe so. But what if LeBron doesn't want to be the next Michael Jordan? What if he just wants to win and have fun? Is that such a crime? Hell, he took less money to do it for goodness sake. So let's get past the PR blunders and the breakup heartbreak and just enjoy the show.
• TO sign or not TO sign? That is the question to which Terrell Owens is anxiously awaiting the answer. Rumor has it my Rams are going to make him an offer. Do I want him on my team? It depends. How much are we talkin? If the Rams can sign TO for cheap, I say go for it. He'd be the best WR on the roster. He'd put butts in seats. And he'd behave. How do I know? Look at last year. Did you hear anything from TO off the field? Nope. And that's because you barely heard much from him on the field. TO doesn't have the leverage he had in San Fran, Philly or Dallas. On those teams, he could question quarterbacks' sexuality and do situps in the driveway because he could fall back on the fact that he was one of the best receivers in the league. Last year in Buffalo, his skills diminished and so did his talking. He seemed to understand that no one's gonna take his crap anymore because he's not worth it. And this whole free agency game of TO hot potato is just reinforcing that. So basically his choices are either to play and shut up or be a disturbance in the unemployment line. At least, that's my thinking. There's still the chance he acts up, but you'd have to think Coach Spagnuolo isn't gonna give him any leash. If he's cheap, that is. If the price is steep, the team that signs him will probably have to endure whatever acting up could potentially come because of the amount they're paying for him. Plus, at least for the Rams (or any other rebuilding team), I don't think it makes sense to pay too much money to a player who's only going to help you out in the short term and will really be no help in building your team for the future. So get your popcorn ready. It's time to watch The Price Is Right.
• Coming to America I know this was a little while ago, but I'd like to say a few things about The World Cup. First of all, I found it damn entertaining. There's just so much tension in a game where a single play can determine the whole outcome. Don't give me any of that "1-0 is boring" crap. When you win by one goal, it's flat-out euphoria. When you lose, devastation. I think this is the kind of drama America can latch onto. But. We lost to Ghana. America is not going to put much stock into a sport where a team of our best players cannot defeat a third-world country. It's really that simple. Sure, the good ol' US of A showed a lot of patriotism when the Cup came around, but America is not going to seriously consider soccer a full-time spectator sport until our national team wins the World Cup or comes damn close. Obviously and unfortunately, that's a vicious cycle that may be hard to break. Oh, and one other thing: get the heck off the ground. I don't wanna see a guy writhe on the ground for five minutes, wasting time, only to get taken off on a stretcher and then instantly walk off once on the sideline. Americans don't wanna see that bullshit. So yeah, fix that too.
• While we're on the subject: VUVUZELAS! It's not like they haven't been around, but these buzzing horns seemed to get a ton of publicity during this World Cup, becoming a household name in the process. They are generally hated. But I just can't seem to make up my mind. The concept is wonderful: 1000s of fans blowing their lungs out for 90 minutes to create an all-encompassing atmosphere of fandom. But that sound. It's just so damn annoying. Maybe they could buzz something more elegant. Like a kazoo. Yeah, let's go with kazoos in 2014. Or harmonicas. Or fucking trombones. Just anything but those goddamn vuvuzelas.

The Ke$ha Theory

Good god, it's been a long time. Apologies.

I remember the first time I heard "TiK ToK." I had seen the song on the iTunes charts for a while but the irregular spelling of the song title and its singer prevented me from taking her seriously. But it just wouldn't leave that chart alone, so I decided to take a listen. It was catchy as fuck. So it quickly became one of my favorite Top 40 songs, and then it proceeded to get overplayed into oblivion. And while I was becoming essentially numb to it, another Ke$ha single got popular: "Blah Blah Blah." It was upon hearing these 172 seconds of pure blondeness when my theory was spawned: She can't really be this fucking stupid, can she? I mean her music was ridiculously catchy (although I'm not too big of a "Blah" fan), but she just sounded so idiotic. It had to be forced, I thought. So I decided to visit her MySpace page to see how she conducted herself in interviews or other videos of her. Answer: as—if not more—stupid as ever. But something caught my eye: Clue No. 1: Her "influences."

"MIA, Beck, Rolling Stones, Devo," the list began. Bob Dylan, Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Neutral Milk Hotel—wait, what? Neutral Milk Hotel? Maybe a fluke... Arcade Fire, Radiohead, LCD Soundsystem, Sonic Youth, Belle and Sebastian, Bright Eyes... Need I go on? How many dumb skanks do you know who like Conor Oberst? But who knows, you say. Maybe some publicist just raided Pitchfork and flooded her MySpace page with great bands to make her look good. Well she did list "Surfjan Stevens" as an influence... To Wikipedia!

Aha! Clue No. 2: "...she would drive to Belmont University to listen in on Cold War history classes after school and achieved near perfect SAT scores." But my teachers say that Wikipedia isn't a credible source, you say. Well first off, shut the hell up. Wikipedia is pretty damn reliable, thanks in part to its gang of editors. So yeah, when you edited Don Cheadle's page to say that at a young age he frequently hopscotched with Zach Braff while waiting for the school bus—yeah, that got taken down. Anyway, more proof ahead.

Clue No. 3: At the age of 13, Kesha Rose Sebert performed Radiohead's "Karma Police" at her middle school talent show. I kid you not: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIHDGDzVwK4. Not only does she truly have good taste in music, but she had good taste in music in SEVENTH GRADE. I don't know about you, but in seventh grade I was still being weaned off "NOW" CDs and developing an interest in the All-American Rejects. And my only talent show performance was a lackluster rendition of Smash Mouth's "All Star." But—before I lose too much of your respect—I digress.

Kesha Sebert is not stupid. And she is certainly not "Blah Blah Blah" stupid. So why does the dollar sign (which she says she added ironically, as she was living off a lean salary at the time) make her so stupid? Because she is so smart. At least, I think she is. If my theory is correct, she simply plays the part of the dumb blonde to manipulate the mainstream music culture. She predicted (quite correctly) that the public would cling to her extreme party girl image that so obnoxiously personifies the lifestyle that many people who religiously subscribe to Top 40 garbage want to live. And she still gets to use her smarts by coming up with ridiculously catchy tunes. "TiK ToK" isn't the only one. Even in spite of the ridiculously sophomoric lyrics (did she mention she likes "bottles of Jack"?), a good majority of her songs are as catchy as herpes.

And Ke$ha isn't the only one. Lady Gaga did almost the exact same thing, although she churned out the mainstream hits to focus on the aspect of fame (hence, "The Fame," "The Fame Monster" and Kermit the Frog dresses). They're both actually pretty damn smart, smart enough to manipulate American (and international) mainstream culture. Then again, how hard can it be to trick a population that worships the Black Eyed Peas?

Apple the Apostate (It's a synonym for "traitor." It also rhymes with "prostate.")

So there was this girl at my school. Her name was Lucy Lala. She was like the greatest thing ever, and I was like, why is nobody else trying to get with this girl? So I asked her out. She said yes. I felt like I had the best-kept secret in the world. And things were going great. In fact, I saw no reason for this relationship to ever end. She was flawless.

There was also this guy at my school. His name was Anthony Apple. Anthony was a polarizing guy: some kids loved him, others hated his guts. I fell in the former category. I knew he was a stellar feller. In fact, I'd even defended the guy on multiple occasions.

But then, in an act of extreme selfishness, he stole my girl. He just took her right out of my hands. And then, to add insult to injury, he said I could keep her for a month. And as much I should have been offended, you better believe I'm hitting up Miss Lala all night, every night. I'mma get as much as I can for as long as I can until that fateful day when she'll be gone forever.

Yet, I still can't hate the guy. I mean, at least he's got good taste. And he just has so many redeeming qualities. But I'll never forget how he took my girl. My perfect girl...

I guess I should've realized it was too good to be true.

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You...

Dear Reader(s),

So school is nearly finished, which means I might actually have some free time! Hooray! And which also means I just might blog a lil' bit! Double hooray! So here's what you have to look forward to (drum roll, please)...

- The next segment of Alphabetical Awesomeness (FINALLY)

- My Ke$ha theory

- Some album reviews (some new, some first posted elsewhere)

- Some more griping about Lala shutting down

- A recount of my awesome recent sports experience(s)

- Some more Buzzer Beaters

- Something else about sports

- Some unfulfilled promises

Hooray!

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy

"Call me back. I'm gonna make you cry." This was the voicemail I received yesterday from my friend, Eric. He said he would not tell me the news until we were face to face, but I managed to squeeze a hint from him (besides that it was bad): it was about music. So naturally, before I let him tell me, I wanted to try and guess. At first my conjectures were realistic: (1) The Killers broke up (if you haven't heard, Brandon Flowers is releasing a solo album), (2) Bruce Springsteen died, (3) Bret Michaels is still alive, etc. Then I realized that this was coming from my friend Eric so maybe every artist on his iPod died in a mammoth car accident, which is not too unrealistic given there are only seven of them. But that wasn't it. So, I just kept guessing...

- "The upcoming Arcade Fire album was produced by will.i.am."

- "Glenn Beck is releasing a rap album."

- "John Lennon was actually alive all these years, at least until today when he was shot by Jay Leno."

- "The national anthem has been changed to that Kid Rock song they play on National Guard commercials before movies."

- "Ke$ha actually is just a dumb bitch." [Note: I have a theory about Ke$ha, which may be explained in a future blog post]

- "Axl Rose is releasing a new CD called Taiwanese Democracy."

- "The Beatles never actually existed, that was just a really good dream I had."

- "Today is Nickelback Day."

- "Buddy Holly died in a plane crash."

But no, not even any of these were correct (the Glenn Beck album is still in its early stages). The real really bad news: Lala is shutting down. Gasp! you say. Not Lala! I know, I know. You probably have no idea what the hell Lala is or why anyone would give a crap if it went away. Well I care, and here's why: Lala is like heaven.com for broke teenagers who need their music fix. In short, it is a website where you can stream (almost) any song one time for free. No credit cards needed. Super-high quality. And I'd been relying on it since I discovered it six or so months ago. And now it's leaving. So, yes, I am on the verge of tears (at least until I find another streaming music site), and you probably are not affected in any way shape or form. "So why the heck did I read this?" you ask. I have no idea. But at least you got some good news out of it: You don't have to rush out to the Douche Store to get your friend a gift for Nickelback Day.

Mashed-Up Band Names

AC/dc Talk, Adam Green Day, The Andrew Bird and the Bee, All Time Flo Rida, Backstreet Boyz II Men, The Beach Boys Like Girls, The Black Eyed Keys, Blue October/Early November, Brand New Pornographers, Dave Matthews Band of Skulls, Deep Blue Something Corporate, DragonForce 5, Fall Out Beastie Boys, Fountains of Lil Wayne, The Good, The Bad & The Queen of the Stone Age, Hanson Furs, Hot Hot Chip, Lil John Lennon, Modest Danger Mouse, James Taylor Swift, Jay-ZZ Top, Jimmy Buffet Eat World, John Mayer Hawthorne, Kanye West Side Story cast, Luda Chris Cornell, MGMT-Pain, The Ok Go Team!, Outkasting Crowns, Panic! At the Disco Styx feat. Lady Gaga, The Patti Smiths, Peter Bjorn and John Mellencamp, Scary Kids Scaring New Kids On the Block, Sea Wolfmother, She and H.I.M., Shiny Toy Guns N' Roses, Smash Mouthing Pumpkins, Sugar Ray Charles, Talking Radioheads, Teddygrizzlybears, We the Kings of Leon, 311 Doors Down.

Got your own? Comment away!

A State of Missouri

To those who read this blog for sports, I apologize. It's been approximately six and a half months since I've blogged about the wide world of sports. However, I do have an excuse: my teams suck. Mizzou's horrible loss to Navy in the Texas Bowl yesterday was just the latest in a long line of recent STL-area suckiness.

One week was worse than the rest. The night was October 8. I was at a funeral. You would think that would be the most depressing thing I endured that day, and it was. That is, until I checked my phone. The Cardinals were up 2-1 on the Dodgers in the bottom of the ninth. The Dodgers had two outs and no one on base. It looked like the Cards were about to tie the series up 1-1. But my screen kept refreshing, that "2" next to the outs refused to change to "3", and I had a bad feeling. A double. Okay, not too bad. We can afford a run. What my phone couldn't show me is how that double really happened. Dodger James Loney cracked one out to left, straight to Matt Holiday, the man who put the spark in the Cards' season. Holliday pulled a Buckner and the ball bounced off his crotchal region (talk about a cup check). A series of hits ensued and LA pulled off a miracle, burying the Cards 2-0 in the series. The Redbirds would never recover, getting swept the next game, and a once-promising season was down the first-round toilet. This has essentially summed up how the sports page has looked in STL for the past five months. Later that night, Mizzou would blow a lead to Nebraska. It was their first loss all year. Two more would follow. As expected, the Rams were in the midst of a never-ending losing streak. Even the Kansas City Chiefs were winless. I hoped to find solace in the Blues, who were coming off playoff year that had the whole city on its feet. But even the Blues started off slow, sinking to the bottom of their conference.

It's a sad thing when you realize you haven't watched a good football game in almost a year. It was distressing having no team to seriously cheer for, being constantly let down. That must be how Cubs fans feel... I have loved sports since I was little and all this losing was causing the unthinkable. I had essentially given up on sports.

So there's my excuse. I am sorry for the lack of sports, but I have been caught up in a tsunami of mediocrity. But with my new-found New Year motivation, you can expect more sports commentary in the coming months. I will try to expand my coverage past the state of Misery--I mean, Missouri. So keeping checking in to Isaac Bruce Springsteen for not just super cool music stuff, but super cool sports stuff as well.

You may now return to your bowl games. [Sniffle.]